On Baehner

13 05 2013

I don’t remember most of my dreams. I remembered this one from the moment I woke up as vividly (if not as achingly) as I do now.

Here are some dumb words about it that proved to be insufficient catharsis.

* * *

A dream caught my breath
Gave it back and then some
Her surreptitious understanding
Knocked me over then and there
Siphoned tears from dull pupils
Her name is unfamiliar to me in this context
Where she pulls my shame onto her shoulder
Knowing me and responding to every word I speak
What is it to be known and loved and loved and understood?
The barren among the betrothed are well-aware: this would be enough
Assurance brought from witnessing laughter and smile easily simultaneous
On her face , her eyes delighting in me for no good reason
She shushes and advances at my demons with sly and furious anger drawn
I wake in tears and laughter with her name upon my damp forehead
Pad downstairs to enjoy my cereal
Quivering with fear and timid joy
It’s all a bit much for Monday morning

Never Overnight

20 03 2013

When screaming wind was encouragement
To run even faster
My skin never cracked
Bones grew silent and strong
Rain at dawn was almost salacious
Sounding suggestions that the girl
In my dream could be right outside my window
Ready for a torrential stroll with a can of root beer

I used to love the cool Los Angeles winter
Impotent frigidity belying a seasonal ignorance
And though I still hate November summer
Today’s prayer is for Christmas sunshine
Nostalgia dead by my own dry hands

Last night I drew my shades against the rain
Only to fall asleep frustrated
At pointless precipitation in our desert
Irrelevant to our mortality

It’s never overnight you know
But she finally stops showing up

I balance coffee all the way
Through the parking lot
Muttering Gym tomorrow 
I curse stiff joints
And stifled alarm clocks

Summer Evenings

30 05 2012

This post was supposed to be an uploaded video I took when I went for a walk around my neighborhood the other night. As you can see, the video did not upload correctly (at all). I’ve noticed that WordPress hasn’t been accepting direct video uploads from my new phone. I’m not sure what the point of having the WordPress app is if it won’t let you do one-touch things like that, but no matter. I’ll just keep going as if I don’t care. Which I do. But, dissimulation, activate:


Warm summer evenings are a double-edged sword. I’m most familiar with them from my junior and senior college years, when I lived off campus in houses that never used air conditioning because they were inhabited by intelligent college students who knew the one rule about using air conditioners: You never, EVER use the air conditioner because it costs a billion dollars.

Well, at least I’m fairly sure that’s a rule. I know that you can’t really standardize that sort of thing, but we certainly all seemed to be in agreement about the fact that we could never, EVER use the air conditioner because we were very cost-conscious. Keep in mind that these were the same college guys who would buy fast food five times a week.


I love walking around a nice neighborhood on a warm summer evening. You can feel the gentle rush of air across your body as your pace quickens, but it never penetrates to actually chill you at all. It’s as if you’re continually being sprayed by a water bottle and a fan, only they’re invisible, and you don’t get wet.


One thing I’ve inherited from my youth is a desire to save money in all sorts of situations. For instance, I won’t buy my favorite cereal unless it’s on sale. It can be on sale for just twenty cents less than it normally costs, and I generally decide that this “qualifies” as saving money. You know what I realized? I make money! I can buy my favorite cereal and spend that extra dollar fifty every two weeks because I’m saving money on a grander scale (which I am) and not being extravagant on a smaller scale (no fast food more than once a week). But I still won’t run the air conditioner.


In the video that didn’t upload, I was walking in the general direction of my alma mater — the surrounding neighborhood is really nice — and I was whistling the theme song to “The Great Escape” with Steven McQueen. I remember watching the movie with my dad and being very disappointed when Steven’s character was apprehended amid barbed wire towards the end of the movie.

Back then, I didn’t really get what was being conveyed with his throwing the baseball in solitary confinement at the end of the film. I only knew that I wanted him to escape, and he did not. I wonder if I was better able to enjoy movies before I learned the nuances of film. The Sound of Music still moves me primarily because of the memories it stirs of watching the two VHS tapes we’d get from the library because the movie was so long that it had to be on two tapes.

I later found out that my Dad doesn’t care for that movie (or was it my aunt? I think they’ve changed their opinion back and forth over the years, but I know it resonates with them in a very different way than with me.)


In the middle of hot, uncomfortable nights when even a sheet seems too suffocating, I am still grateful for warm summer evenings.

Going, Ongoing

21 10 2010

Anybody saw me while I was

But you could not have cared less,

Life holds minutes so tantalizingly

In its hands, but I was oblivious

To the passing of consequence.

Mercifully (even graciously) I was cut down

Where I stood.  Allowed to

release the pulsating pride of plans

To the ground that knew them for what they were.

I recognized my blood for someone else’s, and

knew them for what they were, and are.

In pursuit of suitable distractions

The horizontal is all too regularly piqued,

And while the parallel can lull us to sleep,

It’s the aberrations that point to what we’ve

Been awakened for.

* * * *

Futures brought me home tonight

with Clarity that might

have Invented a way

to Bleed American blood without having to

Chase This Light any further.

But in the end, Static Prevails.

Planning a Party for Yourself

3 06 2010

Is way more stressful than planning someone else’s

Seriously.  I’m kinda Freakin’ Out here.  What if it’s not fun?  What if people feel I don’t pay attention to them?  What if people are offended by all my jokes about leprous lobsters?  What if people are offended by lobsters, period?  What if the lobsters I invite are offended by the people whom I didn’t invite?

You see, there’s really so very much that could go wrong.

* * *

Watched Takashi Saito come within one out of what would have been a very poignant save against the Blue Crew, tonight.  Instead, he pulled him hammy (I think) somethin’ fierce, and had to give way to some Braves reliever after getting an 0-2 count on Russell Martin.  Man, I felt bad for him.  We miss you, Sammy.

Playing the Fool

21 04 2010

I got roped into helping with a quick little one-act play that my friend Ryan is doing this May.  I was cast as a judge.  Which is appropriate, since I judge everyone I meet anyway.  The only problem (besides all the other problems) is that I don’t know how to pretend to judge people when I’m actually judging them as myself at the same time.  I mean, I’m judging the people performing, and I’m judging their (and my) performances, but I’m supposed to be judging the characters as my fictional persona in an objective manner becoming to a justice of the peace.

Also, I think I’m going to play him in the vein of the Mad Hatter.  Not Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter, but more like the 8/5 variety.  (Actually, I don’t remember the correct improper fraction, but it’s something like that.  Was that an inside joke in the movie?  I don’t get it, if it is.)

Anyway, my point is this:  I finally caved and got a haircut after cutting my own hair for well over a year, and I hate to admit it, but I like it.  I don’t like dropping money on it, or feeling less than wholly self-sufficient (it’s just hair, after all…shouldn’t be that big of a problem), but I do like feeling well-groomed.  Hey, maybe I’ll even start to shower again too instead of licking myself clean all the time.

To the Fair

5 03 2010

Acquiescence to my wishes will preclude you from my favor

Resistance and some distance will allow us both to savor

the Presence and depressants that enable life’s endurance

And in the end of days we’ll both forbear from our forbearance.

Czech me out

20 02 2010

If Canada can love Colbert

Then I can love the morning

For those who brave the northern air

Have ample and fair warning

No lazy elongated daybeginnings for me now

Just the restlessness that comes from pushing at the plow.

Everything is OK

27 12 2009

The other day was a good day

I didn’t even have to be there anyway

But my presence requested itself

And my lunchtime evaporated.

Remember the times we skipped out on class

Fancying ourselves immortal?

I can’t say I do, but

it’s not for lack of trying.

These days, trying comes easily

Consolation feasibly

Restoration only meagerly;

Then the wall shouted twenty-five,

And we walked down the street

Thinking about the moment and the moments

Always conscious of ourselves

Or was that just me?

Why Bother?

6 12 2009

Here are some current manifestations of my sloth:

-I need to wash my car, but everyone is saying that it is going to rain this weekend.  There is an inverse relationship between the amount of dirt on my car and the percentage that it will actually rain when predicted.

-I went “Christmas shopping” this afternoon, but really just talked to a couple of friends on the phone for an hour and a half.  I perused the standard places, but I just couldn’t bear to buy anything that a store told me would be “a perfect gift for Dad this Christmas!”  I mean, a scarf/remote holder combo?  Not so much.  This is lazy because I should really do my shopping online (enough time for delivery, less expensive, more selection) but I just wanted to feel productive by going to stores.  Delusional laziness!

-I bought “apple cider tea” instead of actual apple cider packets because I couldn’t find the latter.  I looked all over the store for them, but Bigelow Apple Cider Tea was the closest I could find.   It’s not that close at all, turns out.

-I changed my sheets but just tossed the dirty ones in my hamper for the time being.  Who has over an HOUR to do laundry on a Saturday, after all?

-We still have some extra lights to hang outside our house, but I have creatively found Perfectly Legitimate Reasons® not to do so.  They even blink, for crying out loud, but I haven’t forced myself to do them.  (Aside:  I hope Dad beat Brian in getting our lights up this year, despite my lack of help…)

-I am so lazy that I thought it would be easier to sit down and write about sloth than to actually climb into bed.

I guess I was wrong.  Good night.