In the Eye of the Beekeeper: Our Word to the Beleaguered Women of the World

18 02 2009

Over the weekend, I talked to a few guys who expressed frustration in their dealings with women.  For you ignorant women who read the ol’ Robsteak Blogbake, here’s a few things my friends would apparently like to tell you:

  • Few things are as repugnant to us as the girl who consistently denies her beauty.
  • Claiming that one is unattractive is nothing more than fishing for compliments, even if you sincerely believe that you are repulsive.  Also, if you say how unattractive you are often enough, it will become true, aesthetically or otherwise.
  • Never think you’re too weird for men to be attracted to you.  I know men that are positively entranced by everything from the sound of internal combustion and exhaust fumes to a well-maintained defense in Starcraft.  Trust me, compared to most of what men spend their time around, any woman at all is usually going to look pretty good.
  • If a guy likes you, it is physically impossible for his mind to be changed by seeing you without your makeup and best shoes on.  It might be a little bit maddening, but anything beyond a paper bag passes for “acceptable” when it comes to clothing.  This doesn’t mean we won’t appreciate your good outfits (we won’t, usually, but that’s not what this specific statement means); it simply means that you could spend your time prepping for a date more effectively by checking the latest scores/standings in our favorite sport than by redoing your [insert stereotypical makeup item].
  • No, seriously, we’re really messed up.  We won’t tell anyone about how your new lipstick shade matches your pashmina, but we will never stop bragging to our friends about the time you changed a tire on your own.  It’s not hard, I promise.
  • Whining is bad.  Always.  Same for gossiping.
  • Work on your sense of humor.  As the smarter sex, we’re used to being the life of the party.  Making us laugh will not only impress us, but make us able to relate to you more like we relate to guys, which increases the comfort level of the relationship, which is the ultimate goal of any of our initial actions in a relationship.
  • Be disgusted by disgusting things.  It will encourage us to be less disgusting (which you should appreciate), and we will respect you for it.  If you’re not disgusted, just ignore it.  Indulging us will make us feel weird about it later because, although we generally prefer you to act like a guy in many respects, we secretely hope that you will be as good and judgmental to our future kids as our moms were to us.
  • Lie about how many kids you want.  You can lie either direction, but just don’t appear as certain about the number as you probably are.  We have no clue how many we want, so it’d be nice if you could pretend to be as clueless.
  • Be friendly with our friends.  If you don’t like our friends, then tell us so that we can dump you sooner.  By this point, you should know that we’re not gonna marry any girl that’s too terribly different from our guy friends (except in the obvious ways) anyway.
  • Don’t monopolize our time.  We usually can’t say “no” to hanging out with you without feeling like jerks or making up excuses, so if you could give us a couple of days a week, we’d really appreciate it.  Same for phone calls.  If you desperately need to tell us something that you think is important, then write it down and email it.  Better yet, just write it down and read it again yourself over and over until you realize that it really isn’t that important at all.  It usually isn’t.
  • Be nicer than we are to people in general, but show us your bitterness and resentful candor every now and then.  We don’t want to date Pollyanna, but we don’t want to date the mean friends of the lead actresses in chick flicks either.
  • Let us choose the music most of the time.  We’re better at it, and you’ll be better off for it.  Trust us.
  • Let us drive, always, unless it’s on a go-kart course, in which case we’ll use your inevitable crashing to further emphasize why we should always drive.
  • When you don’t understand something about us, tell us:  “You can’t really enjoy watching Yo Mamma! for three hours.”  We’ll then explain why you’re wrong, and you’ll be enlightened, and we’ll be able to squeeze in another episode while your brain is imploding.
  • Don’t lie about what you like in an effort to make us like you more.  If we know what you hate, we can know you better, which is always good.  If we end up liking each other, inevitable compromises will lead to new tastes/lies developing, and we’ll be happy then.  For now, tell us what makes you happy so we don’t get confused later when you start crying during the third overtime.  We won’t have time to care about you then anyway.
  • If you don’t get it, don’t laugh.  You can go back to watching Dane Cook while we go enjoy the good stuff, and your friends will all sympathize with you after we dump you for having a terrible sense of humor.

This was getting way to fun to be healthy, and I still have at least a dozen things I could throw on there.  I’m open for debate, of course.  Mainly because you will lose.

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