Blogosphere, Shmogosphere

25 06 2008

It has become apparent to me that despite the diversity found in the world of web logging, most people usually have one of the following styles running through their little corner of the internet:

The Look Ma, it’s a real website! blog. This often begins as a running commentary on some issue or group of people or tv show that you care way too much about. Once enough readers are visiting the site, the blogger then treats the blog as he would a business. Comments are limited and/or blocked, posts are very regular and curiously oriented advertising starts to show up. If the site doesn’t soon after lose its webhost in the URL, the blogger is a cheapskate who takes himself too seriously. Basically the super-niche magazines for enthusiasts. Subscribe at your own risk.

The Oh no, don’t read my diary! blog. Despite the “Web” part of “Web Log,” these people still put up their relationship problems and familial issues for everyone to read. It has something to do with the desire to pour out one’s feelings coupled with the desire for sympathy. Basically, it’s emotional prostitution online. No normal person wants to hear about your deep inner struggles with some old girlfriend’s comments on your Myspace page. We just don’t care, so stop putting it out there. These are essentially the unedited letters to the editor in any issue of Seventeen magazine, except with more grammatical errors.

The Everything and everyone is stupid (except me) blog. Basically an unending string of “the stupid @#($!*@ gas companies are $#!#*@!$ me over because I can’t buy my !@#*!@& case of Corona and drive out to Newport every day anymore in my raised Silverado, man.” There’s also the “I was at the grocery store today, and the $@*! checker totally overcharged me like those #$*!$@*# always do at the !#@$))(()((( grocery store, wtf its like u no i jus wanna buy food not pay like 50 bux for your stupid mistake you !$@*$!@.” Read solely by your loser friends, these blogs are like the smelly homeless people of the internet.

The I may not be cool but you’re even lamer blogs. These are generally run by egomaniacal people with just enough intelligence to occasionally say something interesting. Unfortunately, this is much more of the exception than the rule — everything else is just pointless tripe that is both self-deprecatingly and bitingly sarcastic. You might get a chuckle out of these on occasion but beware of complimenting the author, as it often gives his already unhealthily-sized ego reason to grow. These are like the yuppies who drink their Kopi Luwak coffee and talk about how America should be burnt to the ground and rebuilt like Switzerland, except with less freedom and more coffee. Everyone in the world is an idiot, but the author not-so-secretly hints at how much less of an idiot he is when compared to the masses of idiots around him. Kind of like the Michael Moore of blogs, except they hate America more.

The I write what I want, please care about it blogs. These guys are usually a little pretentious but it’s only because they don’t value their readers enough to filter themselves more. Kind of like Newsweek in that they are written because the authors think they need to be written, but no one really thinks of them as anything more than a mildly interesting place to get headlines from. People that know the author personally will visit every now and again, but the blog could die a quick death and nobody would be terribly disappointed. They’re usually started simply because the author thinks highly enough of himself to dole out his work upon the unsuspecting public in hopes that they’ll be enlightened by his infinite wisdom and debonair good looks. They should also send this author money whenenver they get the chance, because then he’ll buy stuff that will lead to more wisdom for them to read.

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I’m sure I missed one or two, but if you think your blog doesn’t fit into any of these categories, let me know and I’ll be sure to prove you wrong. Pretentiously, of course.

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